What would you do?

How much do you love your children?  Would you die for your children?  Would you do anything in the world for your children?  We go through most of our lives with the goal of raising our children to be good people, honest, caring, and just in general decent folks.
 We try to protect our children, nurturing them and installing the values that have been handed down to us by our parents, by which we lead our lives. Every parent to ever lived and really wanted and loved their children only wanted a better world and life for their child or children.
   You can only imagine my surprise and consternation when my eldest son approached me one day (at the age of 35) and informed me that he could no longer live the life you’ve been living and he had to tell me that he was transgendered.  At first I thought he was joking but I soon came to realize he was dead serious.  You can’t imagine the thoughts that began to run through my head. I was totally surprised.  Here was a man that was my son, my firstborn son, I had literally watched come into this world.  Here is a man that as a child did everything every normal boy did.  He climbed trees, and he went fishing, in later years he went hunting, he worked on cars, he did many things and everything normally associated with what boys do. I had to ask myself how could this be? What have I done wrong? I had to ask where did I fail?  My first response was a perhaps he should see a psychologist, he replied that he had seen a psychologist, that these feelings of confusion been with him since he was 10 years old.  He kept trying to live as a male because he was afraid of letting me down.  He kept trying to live as a male because society said he had to.  He told me I didn’t know( which is entirely true) how miserable he been in his adult life and how many times he contemplated suicide. This revelation caused an immediate alarm in me.  The last I want to see or hear is my child committing suicide. I was honest with him and told him I did not know how to deal with this but that I would try to work my way through it is best possible
   The first emotion that comes to mind was anger, but who was I angry at,  Me or him?  And I had to decide how revolting as this? How repugnant is  this? I mean this person is going to change their whole body.  He informed me he had been taking hormones for some time now and that his body was starting to change.  He also informed me he had been getting his prescriptions and paying a doctor in Florida for consultation and treatment.  Furthermore he informed me he had been saving his money for a sex change operation.  Oh boy here we go, I can’t believe what I’m hearing, this is BS, what the hell happened to my son?  What am I going to tell my friends?  When would I tell my brothers ( his uncles)?  What will I tell everybody that knows us?  How kind face any of these people?  Just think of the shame that I would feel just think of the rejection by all these people mentioned.
    But wait, how about my son?  How was he been feeling for the last 20 years of and?  How miserable must it be to live a lie, to hide the feelings you have and appear to be something you aren’t.  I tried to put myself in that position and I realized  it must have been a miserable life to have to live in peaceful totally unhappy.  In examining my emotions, and examining my anger, I did not find my anger to be genuine nor justified.  I found my abhorrence and shame to be at best hollow and shallow with only my interests at heart.  I love my children with all my heart, perhaps I have a closer bond than many males as I was a single parent for many years.  I changed all their diapers, I got up with them the middle of night gave them their bottles, with both mother and father to them for many years.  Was it for naught? I don’t think so.  I worked my way through my emotions, my fears and my false embarrassments that are wrongly thought were put upon me by my transgendered son.  I love my children no matter what they do or where they are.  I love them unconditionally.
   It is been two years now since that shocking moment when my son informed me that he was going to be a woman.  I have watched him change ( somewhat in amazement)  and I find this man/woman to still be the same person I raised.  I still see the same values, the same morals ( yes morals) and the same commitment to family I instilled in him/her as a child.  She goes to group meetings and tells me of the horror stories she hears there about parents and loved ones( brothers and sisters aunts and uncles) that totally disown them.  She tells me of lost jobs, of the terrible repercussions of coming out and the sacrifices that had to be made.  She tells me how grateful she is that she still has her father and her brothers.
   Do I understand all of this?  Hell no.  Am I going to try to force my way of life on my son/daughter?  Hell no.  Do I have gotten off to stand up to my brothers to my friends and proudly say this is now my daughter?  Hell yes.
   I have decided that even though I don’t understand it, even though at first it was repugnant, and I am going to love and support my child in any way I can.  Those of you reading this and saying no way I would disown him I would turn my back and throw him out of my family, think about it.  Just take the time to think.
   His/her goal now is to have enough money for a total sex change operation in the next year and a half.  There have been ups and downs and times where he/she has become disheartened.  There have been times when he/she wanted to give it up.  I have found myself supporting her and encouraging her because I have seen the happiness that was lacking in her life prior to this and like any parent I live to see my child happy.

I will write more later( for those of you that are interested) for those of you that are not and find this revolting and disgusting then I suggest you ignore this blog and go somewhere else.  To the rest of you thank you and your comments are welcome.